WHAT DO WE GIVE TO OUR CHILDREN ?
Adventures in Mindful Parenting
Based on my own experiences, to share what I have learned
through the beautiful gift of my son,
and to help fellow travellers,
journeying upon infinite parental pathways.
Julie de Bastion
In The Beginning …....................
Our children are a precious gift....and...
They will teach us many things.
If we can see them as teachers,
then we have already learned
something really important.
It may be hard to understand this
at the beginning of your journey
as a mother or father,
but ultimately it is a co - creative act of
expansion, growth, and love.
They learn from us and we learn from them
about ourselves and our relationships to others
It is this beautiful dance
which is parenthood.......
... And I would love to share
some of my thoughts and ideas with you
which I have learned along the way.
It is natural that
We all want to do our best for our children
but what exactly does that mean?
Breaking The Chain............ A Case of Discernment
We stand on the shoulders of our ancestors,
And what they passed down (including their genes)
helped us get here, but not everything we inherit
is useful.
Some things are outdated and
some ways of thinking are outdated too.
What do we want to pass on now?
What do we want to give our children?
This is a search into what we believe is
good, true and benevolent for not only our children
but for ourselves and all things
and everyone, everywhere.
Distant Voices ? Who is talking ?
We begin and end with a question
because it is by questioning what we know
and how we know it, that we begin to understand,
at a deeper level, more than we did before.
We only have to look to ourselves for the answers.
When we talk or communicate to our children
we have an inner narrative, or an inner voice
which directs that speech or bodily expression.
We can begin by asking
whose voice is the one in your head?
Is it your mother?, your father?, grandparents?.
aunts and uncles ?, brothers ? sisters?
husband? ,wife, ? friends,? teachers?,
self help books ? the critics?, magazines ?,
the TV ?, the internet ?
maybe you can think of a few more.
As I say I do not provide answers... only questions.....
and here’s the next one
What does the sound of that voice FEEL like?
Inside The Words....
Our feelings set the TONES of our voice.
Have you ever just listened to the SOUND of your voice
without the meaning of words ?
Do your children perceive at first, the WAY you say words,
coupled with your body language and facial expression.?
Maybe they react to the feelings you communicate,
rather than the words themselves?
Same -Old Same- Old
Our patterns of behaviour go back a long way...
We stand on the shoulders of our mothers and fathers,
our grandparents and great-grandparents
and so on way back in time.
Before a pattern of behaviour is established
between you and your children
Are you going to repeat what your mother
said to you? and how she said it?
Was it helpful? or
Do you wish to change it?
How do YOU want the new relationship to
sound and feel like?
ZIP IT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This takes courage!
Try this as an experiment …
Before you open your mouth to speak to your children,
ZIP IT SHUT>>>>>>
Even in the most trying circumstances,
(Apart from stopping them running in front of a car ,
a train, a bus, or into a pond)
Whatever you were going to say, close your mouth
and THINK before you say it.
(This is useful for your other relationships too!!)
Ask yourself
“What will my children learn
from what I am about to say?”
“Are they going to learn about what makes me angry,
insecure or afraid?”
“Do they really NEED to hear what I have to say?”
“Can it wait for a better time to say it?”
“How useful is it for them to know this?”
“Can I say it in a more pleasant, helpful, kinder,
gentler, informative, respectful way?”
And more to the point “Is what I have to say,
more for my own benefit and peace of mind,
rather than for theirs?”
Get Down and Get with It
or Turn off ….. Drop Down ...and Tune In
When you really want your children
to know something
which is important to both of you,
then TURN OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
that persistent and insistent mobile phone.
Get down to, and on their level,
and look deep into their eyes.
They will always remember this
Time and Space.
It’s strange to think that the 24 hours we had a 100 years ago
is the same 24 hours that we have today.
The hours have not changed
but what we have filled them with has.
Its the same with space.
“Not Enough Time “ is the mantra today.
Why is this so? So little time and so much to do?
Or in the words of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,
could we not say “So little to do and so much time?”
One explanation, very Zen like is:
The more there is the more there is.
Like a tree with many branches,
each branch then sprouts more branches and so on..
There is growth everywhere....
and the wise parents know just how much to prune back.
Thats how we make time and space.
and the emphasis is on ” WE MAKE.”
So …... Less is More
Is it little wonder that children have lost
their powers of concentration
with so much crowding in on them from every direction
and in so many ways.?
Have they heard the sound of silence?
Is it so hard to leave spaces round things?
for daydreaming and silence?
To leave spaces even around our children
To be silent.... to be even bored?
Boredom is the potentiality of a thousand activities.
Dream On
What happens to you when your children say
( and will inevitably say at times, “I am bored”
Maybe they can never be allowed
to experience that Blissful State.
I say blissful because, in time
everything in your children’s lives will be filled.
Your child’s thoughts, senses, desires,
her/his ideas and feelings and ambitions,
her/his hours(not enough of) his/her days,
months,...years...
they will be filled to bursting.
And what with? and by whom? and for what purpose?
One may well ask.
Keep it Simple
Do you feel that enough is never enough?
This is a real challenge today...
It takes a certain mindset to know that the less you have
the more important those fewer things become
. And deep down we know
that something important in our children has been hijacked
for other people’s agendas and pockets.
Are we really that helpless/powerless
to do something about this ?
Imagination is the key to your Bliss
Do you find a Time everyday
to sit with your child(ren) and play,?
Make something together, sing a song, read,
talk about things that are meaningful.
listen to them talking?
ask questions that they want to ask too?
Do and can you release the vice grip of the “MUST DO’S”
and are they that important in the end ?
Ask your self “In 30, 40, 50 ,years time was this“must do”
more important than creating a memory
or good feeling with mom/dad
that my children will remember??
How much do you remember doing,,
actually and really WITH your
parents and I mean TOGETHER?
(not just along side like on holiday)
Where’s Daddy?
or even ”Who is Daddy?”
This section is not to get at single mums.
They have an extraordinary job to do
and therefore are amazing.
And here is an extraordinary challenge on all fronts
but a most important one is going to be your attitude
towards the absent dad.
Because that will be the same attitude
you have towards your child(ren)
Every word is for the child too.
“ There’s a problem with Daddy” means to the child
“There’s a problem with you “
no matter how you try to disguise it.
because the father is part of the child
just like you are.
Its another case for the “Zip Its” and have faith
that one day your child will find them out
for her/himself if they want to, and if they still can.
And the” Zip It “ is true for the next part too.
No Blame (or....” Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do”)
Remember that we all try to do our best with what we have.
And some bests are better than others.
Some emotional tool kits are better equipped than others
And we are ALL here to learn to do better,
learn from each other
and not all of us get it right first time.
It takes two to make love, to make a child,
and two to make a fight.
The one who can take another’s pain
without the need to return it ,
is the stronger.
However, to walk away ,in self love,
is also a sign of strength and courage.
Confusion Twosion
Double trouble boil and bubble
The reverberations of a “ grown up “ or family fight
go on to fill a room,........
….... a house, …...a bed, ....a car,.... a cot, ….
…... a child’s dreams ...and waking terrors.
The reverberations of traumas of persistent and sullen anger
expressed or suppressed,
pollute everything in that family.,
and for generations to come.
If you had a poisonous gas seeping in through your windows,
you would try to stop it from poisoning the air
that your family breathes.........?
….................. or would you?
Does your partner and you sing from the same song sheet
and make sweet musical airs?
Good News - Bad News..... Smoke Signals and Dances of Fear
While we are on the subject of pollutants.
. Bees create a special dance to warn the hive of danger...
.. It’s designed to arrest attention!!!!!
And so is our daily news …
for much the same reasons as the bees..
.This ancient survival strategy is of course useful …
.Bad news gets attention, it informs to save the tribe.
I will leave it you, to figure out
if you feel this daily pollutant of fear and negativity,
(which leaves us feeling powerless and
sometimes scared
really helps you,
and how much you can do
to curtail its arresting powers.?
Baby Steps
Here are a few simple ideas which may work for you.
A baby learns by falling down when they start to walk.
Fortunately they are designed at that stage
to be close to the ground !!!!!!!
To give yourself the same advantage,
just try changing one small, do-able thing everyday.
So you don’t have far to “fall”
It could be eliminating one food that you know is unhealthy.
It could be to praise your children when you don’t feel like it.
It could be to tell them that you love them
and feel privileged to have them as a precious gift,
even when they don’t do anything special to “deserve it”
It could be just to breathe slowly and deliberately for 5 breaths
when you feel overwhelmed or angry.
(that will change a lot.. trust me on that one!!)
It could be to decide to turn off your mobile
and sit with your children
and actually do nothing...
but just sit with them quietly....
not demanding or asking anything from them
this might feel strange at first
and they might even wonder what you are doing,
they might even ASK you
“ what are you doing?”..
it will feel so strange to them, and yet by magic
something new will happen between you.
They will accept this new space and this new silence
That you have not tried to fill......
and like a flower in the forest that is beautiful
with or without being seen................
All you have to do is to see it unfolding.
Mirror Mirror On The Wall (and everywhere else)
We all have our habits.....
Some are necessary like riding a bike or driving a car.
But we also have habits in the way we speak,
and the way we see things.
And even the way we hear things.
and even the way we think.
What we see or hear or believe
is actually learned. and becomes a habit
that we don’t question once it is set.
I also call this the magic mirror.
When we see the world out there,
What we see is a reflection
of what is inside ourselves......
Do you see your child through the lense
of your own fear and insecurity?
Or do you see with the eyes
of joy and fun and adventure?
Do you hear your child’s voice like music?
Do you hear their meaning, pure and clear?
The world will show you
only what you are used to seeing,
The more you look, the more surprises there will be,
and the more you listen,
the more you will hear.
The Language of Love
This is a vast territory....
a mystery to encounter and to explore.
It may take a lifetime
and it probably will.
What does it actually mean to you
To Love?
What do the words
“I LOVE YOU” mean to you?
How do you show it? and
what does it look and feel like? when you do.
How does it sound?
Does it have a sound?
How do you express it?
If it were a cake, then what ingredients
would you chose to put in it to make it
the most delicious and nutritious cake
for you and your family
Michael Angelo, the master sculptor, once said.
“ If you want to make a beautiful sculpture,
Then cut away everything which is not beautiful”.
Through the Eyes of Love
And now one of the hardest questions to ask.....
Because we are taught that it is “selfish” to do this.
Do You Love Yourself?
And I don’t mean languishing in self indulgence
which has a very different energy altogether.
If questioned, “Do you love your children?”
You say, “Of course I love my children”
Can you say the same thing
about yourself ? and in the same way ?
and with the same conviction ?
Are you doing the same best for you ,
as you are trying to do for your children ?
If you want to see what your child sees when you talk
to them, then look in the mirror and pretend
to see your child’s face there instead of your own,
and then say something you would normally say.
to them, in your normal way.
Does the child see a loving face and hear a loving tone?
Does your mirror reflect back the face of love?
or
Do you see your faults first?
Do you see your child’s faults first too?
before you see their beauty.
The Pace of Life
Time, Space, and Communication have speeded up
in increased proportions,
like the Red Queen in
the wonderful Lewis Carol sequel to
“Alice in Wonderland”,...............
“Alice Through the Looking Glass”
we are all running faster and faster
just to keep in the same place
and now we can barely keep up.
Our children will one day inhabit
an even more intensified world
that we may find hard to imagine.
How do we prepare them for this?
What will they be telling their offspring
about their own parents?. (us )?
If we were to meet our children(unknowingly) as adults
Would they be the kind of people
we would wish to befriend?
Would we be proud to know them?
and more importantly
would they be proud of us too.?
Love, Light, and the Lampshade
I believe our true nature is Light...
....Only we easily forget this....
. I like to think of it as an image where our bodies
and personalities and experiences
are like the lampshade which covers the light.
On that lampshade are many patterns
which project and shape that light in a myriad of ways.
Sometimes the patterns are already there at birth,
sometimes we put them there ourselves,
and of course life paints many there too.....
The greater and purer the inner Light,
the more defined are the patterns .. and the shadows...
I believe, to be really aware of what we are doing
and
the way we are doing it,
it is our work to see that the patterns
are the ones we want to be there,
and the more we intensify our light,
the more important is that work.
If you like, we may call that light, the light of Love
Belief is Important......... Thinking For Ourselves.
What we believe is important,
because it influences the way we see things
and how we feel about them.
If your ship of beliefs has been going
in one direction, and for a long time,
(even for many generations)
without you questioning what you believe,
it may take a long time to turn these beliefs around
, to go in a better and healthier direction.
I have learned that just by having
the intention to change,
will give you the power you need to do this.
And remember that our communal ship
of Evolution and History and Beliefs is immense too!
A Sacred Act Love as a Mindful Intention
I believe that parenting is a sacred responsibility..
It is a spiritual, mindful, and an active service to our children.
It is the most important job you will ever do.
It is a beautiful dance between you and your child.
it will take the best part of you, and it is forever.
It is our work as parents and guardians
to see things as they really are
and not through the lense of our damage,
both individual, cultural and communal and now Global.;
Can we make this work important enough
to see Life and ourselves, in Truth,
through and with the innocent eyes of a Child.?
Can we give our children what they are really asking for?
Beyond the material?
Beyond all of the status anxieties?
Beyond surface/superficial expectations?
Into The Future
Your children are speaking to you from the future.
Its up to you to decide what really matters,
and what to give and how to give it,
So they may move forward with confidence,
benevolent, all encompassing Love
for themselves, and all living things,
for their own unique journey into it.
Here are some of many books which have inspired me
The Magical Child Joseph Chilton Pearce
The Biology of Transcendence Joseph Chilton Pearce isbn 159477016-6
Baby 0 to 5 Years Penelope Leach (Indispensible
for new mums
and dads)
Children First Penelope Leach
You Can Heal Your Life Louise L Hay (also U-Tube Video)
The Art of Storytelling Nancy Mellon
isbn 1-86204-346-9
The Secret of Happy Children Steve Biddulph
isbn 0-000000-089692
A Child’s Palette Rickie Hilder
(Building better Relationships
with Children) isbn 0-646-39285-9
Whose Life are you Living ? Tony Humphries
isbn 0-717-13662-0
The Tao of Motherhood Vimala McClure
( A Beautiful Book) isbn 1-57731-014-4
The Prophet Kahlil Gibran
isbn 9780140 194470
The Magic Mirror John Stewart Allitt
Thoughts and Reflections
by Cecil Collins isbn 978-0-9564078-0-1
Now is The Time
To Open your Heart Alice Walker
The Power of Myth Joseph Campbell
isbn 0-385-24774-5
For all the Artists........
Scribbling ,Drawing, Painting W. Grozinger
Children are Artists Daniel M. Mendelowitz
For the astrologically inclined.......
Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs isbn 0-330-23390-4
Relating Liz Green isbn 0-85030-957-3
....and just for fun... !!!!!!!!!!!!
Survival Guide to School Brough Girling
(warning ... not suitable for adults) isbn 0-00-674740-X