Polymeric co-created Artworks

Polymeric co-created artworks, a new approach to workshop facilitation by Julie de Bastion

As featured on the homepage of Access Arts

WHAT DO WE GIVE TO OUR CHILDREN ?

                          Adventures in Mindful Parenting                      

Based on my own experiences, to share what I have learned

through the beautiful gift of my son,

and to help fellow travellers,

journeying upon  infinite parental pathways.

                                                                                       Julie de Bastion                                         

In The Beginning …....................

Our children are a precious gift....and...

They will teach us many things.

If we can see them as teachers,

then we have already learned

something really important.                                                                                                                                     

It may be hard to understand this

at the beginning of your journey

as a mother or father,

but ultimately it is a co - creative act of

expansion, growth, and love.

They learn from us and we learn from them

about ourselves and our relationships to others

It is this beautiful dance

which is parenthood.......

... And I would love to share

some of my thoughts and ideas with you

which I have learned along the way.

It is  natural that

We all want to do our best for our children

but what exactly does that mean?

Breaking The Chain............ A Case of Discernment

We stand on the shoulders of our ancestors,                                                                                            

And what they passed down (including their genes)

helped us get here, but not everything we inherit

is useful.

Some things are outdated and

some ways of thinking are outdated too.

What do we want to pass on now?

What do we want to give our children?

This  is a search into what  we believe is

good, true and benevolent for not only our children

but for ourselves and all things

and everyone, everywhere.

Distant Voices ? Who is talking ?

We begin and end with a question                                                                                                      

because it is by questioning what we know

and how we know it, that we begin to understand,

at a deeper level,  more than we did before.

We only have to look to ourselves for the answers.

When we talk or communicate  to our children

we have an inner narrative, or an inner voice

which directs that speech or bodily expression.

We  can begin by asking

whose voice is the one in your head?

Is it your mother?, your father?, grandparents?.

aunts and uncles ?, brothers ? sisters?

husband? ,wife, ? friends,? teachers?,

self help books ? the critics?, magazines ?,

the TV ?, the internet ?

 

maybe you can think of a few more.

As I say I do not provide answers... only questions.....

and here’s the next one

What does the sound of that voice FEEL like?

Inside The  Words....

Our feelings set the TONES of our voice.

Have you ever just listened to the SOUND of your voice

without  the meaning of words ?                                                                                                         

Do your children perceive at first, the WAY you say words,

coupled with your body language and facial expression.?

Maybe they react to the feelings you communicate,

rather than the words themselves?

Same -Old Same- Old

Our patterns of behaviour go back a long way...                                                                        

We stand on the shoulders of our mothers and fathers,

our grandparents and great-grandparents

and so on way back in time.

Before a pattern of behaviour is established

between you and your children

Are you going to repeat what your mother

said to you? and how she said it?

Was it helpful?  or

Do you wish to change it?

How do YOU want the new relationship to

sound and feel like?

ZIP IT>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>                                                                                                    

This takes courage!

Try this as an experiment …

Before you open your mouth to speak to your children,

ZIP IT SHUT>>>>>>

Even in the most trying circumstances,

(Apart from stopping them running in front of a car ,

a train, a bus, or into a pond)

Whatever you were going to say, close your mouth

and THINK before you say it.

(This is useful for your other relationships too!!)

Ask  yourself

“What will my children learn

from what I am about to say?”

“Are they going to learn about what makes me angry,

insecure or afraid?”

“Do they really NEED to  hear what I have to say?”

“Can it wait for a better time to say it?”

“How useful is it for them to know this?”

“Can I say it in a more pleasant, helpful, kinder,

gentler, informative, respectful way?”

And more to the point  “Is what I have to say,

more for my own  benefit and peace of mind,

rather than for theirs?”

Get Down and Get with It

or Turn off ….. Drop Down ...and Tune In                                                                                     

When you really want your children

to know something

which is important to both of you,

then TURN OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

that persistent and insistent mobile phone.

Get down to, and on their level,

and look deep into their eyes.

They will always remember this

Time and Space.                                                                                                                                          

It’s strange to think that the 24 hours we had a 100 years ago

is the same 24 hours that we have today.

The hours have not changed

but what we have filled them with has.

Its the same with space.

“Not Enough Time “ is the mantra today.

Why is this so? So little time and so much to do?

Or in the words of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,

could we not say “So little to do and so much time?”

One explanation, very Zen like is:

 The more there is the more there is.

 Like a tree with many branches,

each branch then sprouts more branches and so on..

There is growth everywhere....

and the wise parents know just how much to prune back.

Thats how we make time and space.

and the emphasis is on   ” WE MAKE.”

                                                                                                                                                                             

So    …...  Less is More

Is it little wonder that children have lost

their powers of concentration

with so much crowding in on them from every direction

and in so many ways.?

Have they heard the sound of silence?                                                                              

Is it so hard to leave spaces round things?

for daydreaming and silence?

To leave spaces even around our children

To be silent.... to be even bored?

Boredom is the potentiality of a thousand activities.

Dream On                                                                                                                                

What happens to you when your children say

( and will inevitably say at times,  “I am bored”

Maybe  they can never be allowed

to experience that Blissful State.

I say blissful because, in time

everything in your children’s lives  will be filled.

Your child’s thoughts, senses, desires,

her/his ideas and feelings and ambitions,

her/his hours(not enough of) his/her days,

months,...years...

they will be filled to bursting.

And what with? and by whom? and for what purpose?

One may well ask.

Keep it Simple                                                                                                                                 

Do you feel that enough is never enough?

This is a real challenge today...

It takes a certain mindset to know that the less you have

the more important those fewer things become

. And deep down we know

that something important  in our children has been hijacked

for other people’s agendas and pockets.

Are we really that helpless/powerless

to do something about this ?

Imagination is the key to your Bliss                                                                                          

Do you find a Time everyday

to sit with your child(ren) and play,?

Make something together, sing a song,  read,

talk about things that are meaningful.

listen to them talking?

ask questions that they want to ask too?

Do and can you release the vice grip of the “MUST DO’S”

and are they that important in the end ?

Ask your self “In 30, 40, 50 ,years time was this“must do”

more important than creating a memory

or  good feeling with  mom/dad

that my children will remember??

How much do you  remember doing,,

actually and really  WITH your

parents and I mean TOGETHER?

(not just along side like on holiday)

Where’s Daddy?                                                                                                                   

or even   ”Who is Daddy?”   

This  section is not to get at single mums.

They have an extraordinary job to do

and therefore are amazing.

And here is an extraordinary challenge on all fronts

 but a most important one is going to be your attitude

towards the absent dad.

Because that will be the same attitude

you have towards your child(ren)

Every word is for the child  too.

“ There’s a problem with Daddy” means to the child

“There’s a problem with you “

no matter  how you try to disguise it.

because the father is part of the child

just like you are.

Its another case for the “Zip Its”  and have faith

that one day your child will find them out

for her/himself if they want to, and if they still can.

And  the” Zip It “ is true for the next part too.

No Blame (or....” Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do”)                          

Remember that we all try to do our best with what we have.

And  some  bests are better than others.

Some emotional tool kits are better equipped than others

And we are ALL here to learn to do better,

learn from each other

and not all of us get it right first time.  

It takes two to make love,   to make a child,

and two to make a fight.

The one who can take another’s pain

without the need to return it ,

is the stronger.

However, to walk away ,in self love,

is also a sign of strength and courage.

Confusion Twosion                                                                                                            

Double trouble boil and bubble

The reverberations of a “ grown up “ or family fight

go on to fill a room,........

….... a house, …...a bed, ....a car,.... a cot, ….

…... a child’s dreams ...and waking terrors.

The reverberations of  traumas of persistent and sullen anger

expressed or suppressed,

pollute everything in that family.,

and for generations to come.

If you had a poisonous gas seeping in through your windows,

you would try to stop it from poisoning the air

that your family breathes.........?

….................. or would you?

Does your partner and you sing from the same song sheet

and make sweet musical airs?

Good News - Bad News.....  Smoke Signals and Dances of Fear                                       

While we are on the subject of pollutants.

. Bees create a special dance to warn the hive of danger...

.. It’s designed to arrest attention!!!!!

And so is our daily news …

for much the same reasons as the bees..

.This ancient survival strategy is of course useful …

.Bad news gets attention, it informs  to save the tribe.

 I will leave it you,   to figure out

if you feel this daily pollutant of fear and negativity,

(which leaves us feeling powerless and

sometimes scared

really helps you,

and how much you can do

to curtail its arresting powers.?

Baby Steps

                                                                                                                                                                     

Here are a few simple ideas which may work for you.

A baby learns by falling down when they start to walk.

Fortunately they are designed at that stage

to be close to the ground !!!!!!!

To give yourself the same advantage,

just try changing one small, do-able thing everyday.

So you don’t have far to “fall”

It could be  eliminating one food that you know is unhealthy.

It could be to praise your children when you don’t feel like it.

It could be to tell them that you love them

and feel privileged to have them as a precious gift,

even when they don’t do anything special to “deserve it”

It could be just to breathe slowly and deliberately for 5 breaths

when you feel overwhelmed or angry.

(that will change a lot.. trust me on that one!!)

It could be to decide to turn off your mobile                                                            

and sit with your children

and actually do nothing...

but just  sit with them quietly....

not demanding or asking anything from them

this might feel strange at first

and  they might even wonder what you are doing,

they might even ASK you

“ what are you doing?”..

it will feel so strange to them, and yet by magic

something new will happen between you.  

They will accept this new space and this new silence

That you have not tried to fill......

and like a flower in the forest that is beautiful

with or without being seen................

All you have to do is to see it unfolding.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall (and everywhere else)                                                         

We all have our habits.....

Some are necessary like riding a bike or driving a car.

But we also have habits in the way we speak,

and the way we see things.

And even the way we hear things.

and even the way we think.

What we see or hear or believe

is  actually learned. and becomes a habit

that we don’t question once it is set.

I  also call this the magic mirror.

When we see the world out there,

What we see is a reflection

of what  is inside ourselves......

Do you see your child through the lense

of your own fear and insecurity?                                                                                                          

Or do you see with the eyes

of joy and fun and  adventure?

Do you hear your child’s voice like music?

Do you hear their meaning, pure and clear?

The world will show you

only what you are used to seeing,

The more you look, the more surprises there will  be,

and the more you listen,

the more you will hear.

The Language of Love                                                                                                               

This is a vast territory....

a mystery to encounter and to explore.

It may take a lifetime

and it probably will.

What does it actually mean to you

To Love?

What do the words

“I LOVE YOU” mean to you?

How do you show it? and

what does it look and feel like? when you do.

How does it sound?

Does it have a sound?

How do you express it?

If it were a cake, then what ingredients

would you chose to put in it  to make it

the most delicious and nutritious cake

for you and your family

Michael Angelo, the master sculptor, once said.

“ If you want to make a beautiful sculpture,

Then cut away everything which is not beautiful”.

Through the Eyes of Love

                                                                                                                                                

And now one of the hardest questions to ask.....

Because we are taught that it is  “selfish” to do this.

Do You Love  Yourself?

And I don’t mean languishing in self indulgence

which has a very different energy altogether.

If questioned, “Do you love your children?”

You say, “Of course I love my children”

Can you say the same thing

about yourself ? and in the same way ?

and with the same conviction ?

Are you doing the same best for you ,

as you are trying to do for your children ?

If you want to see what your child sees when you talk

to them,  then look in the mirror and pretend

to see your child’s face there instead of your own,

and then say something you would normally say.

to them, in your normal way.

Does the child see a loving face and hear a loving tone?

Does your mirror reflect back the face of love?

or

Do you see your faults first?

Do you see your child’s faults first too?

before you see their beauty.

The Pace of Life                                      

                                                                                                                                                                                  

Time, Space, and Communication have speeded up

in increased proportions,

like the Red Queen in

the wonderful Lewis Carol  sequel to

“Alice in Wonderland”,...............

“Alice Through the Looking Glass”

we are all running faster and faster

just to keep in the same place

and now we can barely keep up.

Our children will one day inhabit

an even more intensified world

that we may find hard to imagine.

How do we prepare them for this?

What will they be telling their offspring

about their own parents?. (us )?

If we were to meet our children(unknowingly) as adults

Would they be the kind of people

we would wish to befriend?

Would we be proud to know them?

and more importantly

would they be proud of us too.?

Love,  Light, and the Lampshade                                                                              

I believe  our true nature is Light...

....Only we easily forget this....

. I like to think of it as an image where our bodies  

and personalities and experiences

are like the lampshade which covers the light.

On that lampshade are many patterns

which project and shape  that light in a myriad of ways.

Sometimes the patterns are already there at birth,

sometimes we put them there ourselves,

and of course life paints many there too.....

The greater and purer the inner Light,

the more defined  are the patterns .. and the shadows...

I believe,  to be really aware of what we are doing

and                                                                                                                                          

the way we are doing it,

it is our work to see that the patterns

are the ones we want to be there,

and the more we intensify our light,

the more important is that work.

If you like, we may call that light, the light of Love

Belief is Important......... Thinking For Ourselves.                                                   

What we believe is important,

because it influences the way we see things

and how we feel about them.

If your ship of beliefs has been going

in one direction, and for a long time,

(even for many generations)

without you questioning what you believe,

it may take a long time to turn these beliefs around

, to go in a better and healthier direction.

I have learned that just by having

the intention to change,

will give you the power you need to do this.

And  remember that our communal ship

of Evolution and History and Beliefs is immense too!

A Sacred  Act        Love as a  Mindful Intention                                                                 

I believe that parenting is a sacred responsibility..

It is a spiritual, mindful, and an active service to our children.

It is the most important job you will ever do.

It is a  beautiful dance between you and your child.

it will take the best part of you,  and it is forever.

It is our work as parents and guardians

to see things as they really are

and not through the lense of our damage,

both individual, cultural and communal and now Global.;

Can we make this work important enough

to see Life and ourselves, in Truth,

through and with the innocent eyes of a Child.?

Can we give our children what they are really asking for?

Beyond the material?

Beyond all of the status anxieties?

Beyond surface/superficial expectations?

Into The Future

Your children are speaking to you from the future.

Its up to you to decide what really matters,

and what to give and how to give it,

So they may move forward with confidence,

benevolent, all encompassing Love

for themselves, and all living things,

for their own unique journey into it.

 Here are some of many books which have inspired me                                                     

                                                                                                                                                                                                 

The Magical Child                                 Joseph Chilton Pearce

The Biology of Transcendence         Joseph Chilton Pearce                                                                                                                 isbn 159477016-6

                                                                                                                                                                      

Baby 0 to 5 Years                               Penelope Leach (Indispensible

                                                                                                for new mums

                                                                                                and dads)                                                    

Children First                                       Penelope Leach

You Can Heal Your Life                      Louise L Hay (also  U-Tube Video)

The  Art of Storytelling                       Nancy Mellon

                                                                  isbn 1-86204-346-9

The Secret of Happy Children           Steve Biddulph

                                                                    isbn 0-000000-089692

A Child’s Palette                                     Rickie Hilder

(Building better Relationships

with Children)                                         isbn 0-646-39285-9

Whose Life are you Living ?                Tony Humphries

                                                                    isbn 0-717-13662-0

The Tao of Motherhood                       Vimala McClure

( A Beautiful Book)                                isbn 1-57731-014-4

The Prophet                                           Kahlil Gibran

                                                                    isbn 9780140 194470

The Magic Mirror                                  John Stewart Allitt                            

Thoughts and Reflections

by Cecil Collins                                     isbn 978-0-9564078-0-1

Now is The Time

To Open your Heart                             Alice Walker

The Power of  Myth                             Joseph Campbell

                                                                   isbn 0-385-24774-5

                                                                                                                                                              

For all the Artists........

Scribbling ,Drawing,  Painting            W. Grozinger

Children are Artists                              Daniel M. Mendelowitz      

   

For the astrologically inclined.......

Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs              isbn 0-330-23390-4

Relating            Liz Green                       isbn 0-85030-957-3

....and just for fun...  !!!!!!!!!!!!

Survival Guide to School                        Brough Girling

(warning ... not suitable for adults)     isbn 0-00-674740-X